Valentine

This world is a hard world. We get up every day and hope for a better day than the last. We hope that eventually our dreams will come true and we will flourish. We also hope to find someone to share this experience with. Valentine’s Day feeds off this, functions off this, and succeeds off this.

In truth, I enjoy the concept of Valentine’s Day. A day, once a year, to celebrate the love you have for another person. However, as many of my friends have shown on this day this year, that love can be a many-headed beast.  As noted before, I have a man I love. This love has been far from easy. I’ve made mistakes. He’s fucked up royally. But we are still in love. We are still together. Despite the blemishes, our connection has grown and strengthened. I cannot say this relationship is perfect, but, as I’ve begrudgingly learned, nothing really is.

I am lucky. But then again, so are you. If you have someone, I applaud you. Relationships are, by far, the hardest thing to manage, learn, love, and live. If you do not have someone, I applaud you the same. Being with yourself is not easy. Society is constantly telling you to find a partner, no matter if you want one or not. If you are content and happy being in a loving relationship with yourself, you are better off than more than half the ones who have another person.

Wherever this Valentine’s Day finds you, be it in bed with the one you love or with the book you love, I pray, dear reader, that you are happy. When it truly comes down to it all, the true message of this consumer holiday should be your happiness. And, for whatever it may be worth, I love you, dear reader, for sticking with me until the wheels comes off.

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Time Changes Us All

Hello again, dear readers. It had been days, weeks, and months since I last posted on here. I am a different person and, undoubtedly, you are too. I welcome the new you as I hope you welcome me.

I would speak of the time that has passed in length, but we both know that ideal words cannot describe the life that has been lived, the experiences that have been had. Allow me to say, as curiosity should be satiated, that I left a toxic situation and moved on. Likely I will post, quite soon, on my experience with the toxicity of my past, but for now, I give you the present. And oh, what a present it is.

I will not say this is a political blog. As stated many moons ago, I post what I want and whenever I feel like it. However, this last week has affected me to the core. I am, without shame, defined as a liberal. However, I do not necessarily have all the same ideals as the liberals out there. But, probably because I am a liberal, I believe there is more than one definition for a liberal, for a conservative, for a democrat, for a republican. We all are affected by our circumstances and thus live our own truths the best we know how.

Lately liberals have been described as snowflakes. I find that term hilarious. Snowflake. Do they know all the edges that term can have? Sure, they likely mean it as someone who melts down easily, resulting in spewed words and phrases that make non-snowflakes laugh.

But snowflakes are not so base. Each snowflake is different from the next. They are individuals, with individual characteristics and individual peaks and valleys. When you put many snowflakes together, you get a blizzard. And, if anyone of you has been through a blizzard, you know that not only are they dangerous and deadly, but they have a certain beauty. I have experienced more blizzards than I can count, in fact I was born during one, and I know the power that they have. There is no conquering of a blizzard, which is why you never launch a land war in Russia during the winter…ask Napoléon and Hitler. There is no way around a blizzard, you have to push through. That’s not easy and generally not possible. All those snowflakes blind you to the course you were trying to take, making you slow down and reconsider what you were even thinking.

Now we are faced with a great obstacle. I am tempted to say evil, but that implies more power than should be given. This obstacle is embodied, ever so unfortunately, in the personage of the Leader of the Free World and his followers. These people believe in things contrary to my beliefs and those of the other snowflakes. And while I firmly believe in listening to the other side, I can no longer bear nor debate what they say. Withholding things that have been earned by any individual is not only wrong, but goes against most conservative thinking. It should not matter the country a person originates from if they have chosen to make themselves and their new nation, these United States of America, better. Who would we be if we denied this to others before.

One person does not reflect an entire people. I am not Timothy McVeigh nor am I Aileen Wuornous. I do not shoot before asking, I do not judge before thinking. As all snowflakes are different, all people are different.

Blizzards are ruthless, devastating, and deadly. But they can also be inspiring, beautiful, and thought provoking. As a witness to the last week of events, I can state that this blizzard of snowflakes is the latter. These individuals will not be silenced. These individuals will not be turned away. And, should those who wish to silence these snowflakes by ploughing them into a ditch to make way for false ideals try to do just that, I know that the blizzard shall come again and lay down a beauteous, yet undeniable, sheet of thoughts, dreams, and ideals.

Another Chance

Hello dearest people out in the internet-sphere. I hope this finds you well.

Many, many, many things have changed my life since the new year, so far making 2016 not one of my favorites. But, I refuse to concentrate on the venom in my veins here. Instead, I shall talk of chances and maybe what another one means…to me…to you…to anyone.

Do you believe in second chances? Stop and think about it. Has someone given you one? Two? More? I knoe I’ve been the recipient of a few. Did I deserve them? Maybe. Did I try my best with each one? No. I tried my hardest. Because I cannot always define what my “best” is. And trying my “best” feels a little like a shortcut. It’s as if I were to fail, well. At least I tried my “best.”

But this here, this new year, these new beginnings, they are another chance. Will I maybe screw it up, will I succeed and conquer the world, will I be the person I want to be, will I have learned anything…at all…from everything I’ve experienced? Who kmow?

A Matter of Seconds

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I’m not typically one to ponder on the idea of “what if?”  I have often found that idea to cause more harm than good and never leads to happiness.

However, I experienced an event yesterday that made me stop and think about “what if”.  To elaborate, I came about 10 feet and a matter of two seconds from being either killed or horribly injured by a car tumbling through the air at about 40mph.  Witnessing something like a scene in a movie has led me to the “what if”s:

What if the jerk who didn’t let me over had?

What if I hadn’t hit that red light?

What if I didn’t take the few seconds to plug my phone into the charger?

What if I had left work a few seconds earlier?

What if the car had hit at a different angle and hit me anyway?

What if I were not typing this post right now?

I find these questions ponderous, because so much now seems to depend upon the matter of a few seconds, the actions of a few moments, the whims of an idle mind.  To be honest, I don’t know what…or maybe even who…saved me, but I praise the small miracle that has.

This event also caused me to think about my life.  If I hadn’t missed that car, would I have been satisfied with the life I had led?  Would I have left behind a legacy to be proud of? Did I accomplish all I had wanted?  The answers are not easy, but they are mostly, surprisingly, yes. Have I done all I want? No, but I will.

Dear readers, do me a favor. Think on your life. If you are happy and satisfied, then you are blessed and I am glad. But if you are not, which is okay to admit, then I challenge you to try to find and do what needs to be done to change your life for the good.

Silence

Silence In, World Without
Silence In, World Without*

There are moments in life when the only sound you hear is that of a fan, a clock, and your beating heart.  I revel in those moments.  I live in a place of noise, work in a place of busy confusion, where if it is quiet, there is an issue.  Moments of silence come few and far between.  Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do and where I live, but I find myself craving just the sound of nothing but white noise.

Where I am from, there are vast expanses of nothingness.  Great fields at the heart of our nation that supply us with food and fuel.  Out there, you can see the stars. You can be alone. You can be in silence.  That is the feeling I miss, the one I crave.  I grew up with it…and being stuck in the world outside the window, where color and dreams lie, it makes my soul weary.  I feel as if I am the girl above, having pushed past the clock and made time my own.  But now I want back in.  That’s always the way though, isn’t it?  You get what you want…but you always want more, or you long to go back.

*Credit to the wonderful artist who gave me inspiration. The work is not my own, but thanks for letting me use it, dear artist on the interwebs.

Games

I don’t know if I’d call myself a gamer girl.  There are so many negative things being thrown around about women in the gaming industry that I think I’d rather just be known as a casual gamer.  Can I play the shit out of Dragon Age?  Yes.  Do I enjoy Life is Strange?  For sure.  Can I snipe your ass from 300 yards away in COD?  You bet that sweet head shot I can.

But here’s the thing.  I’m not hardcore.  I don’t game online and challenge people or play teamo or do MMOs.  I am a solo gamer.  I prefer whatever actions I do to have consequences for only myself.  Which makes it hard when I have a man in my life who only plays MOBAS or MMOs.  I understand the appeal to an introvert like him, but for an extrovert like me, team sports can both be fabulous and seriously suck.  My A-type personality does not compute with your Support/AD Carry bullshit.  I am a leader…but of my own pack.  Solo pack of one.  Am I willing to try out team bits?  Sure. Why not?  But are they my jam?  Probably not.  Enjoy your frustrations at your teammates and their lack of ability.  I’ll go rock Fallout on my own.